Rat Writes

As an esteemed advocate for Ratkind, I take it upon myself to enhance your inadequate and flimsy knowledge of Rattus norvegicus history. In the process, it is my intention to re-educate your puny human minds on the facts of Rat supremacy through our long and tortuous history.

Firstly, due to human ignorance from the outset, we Rats were given the inappropriate name Rattus norvegicus or Norway rat, because some incompetent fool claimed we landed in Britain via Norway, when in actual fact my ancestors arrived on British shores from Denmark during the 18th century. My great great great great grandfather (who still lives, albeit with a troublesome Mycoplasmosic cough) told me that during his youth an older relative reiterated the ramblings of an ancient Rat (who lived to a grand old age of seven years) the story of our beginnings, and it was his belief that our original ancestors were first heroically forging lives for themselves in Northern China.

Of course humanity has deemed us worthy of many other silly names, like brown rat (how unimaginative), common rat (I find this one extremely insulting and disrespectful), and wharf rat (well, at least this is bordering on reality - my ancient cousins were often found frequenting the wharfs and harbours all over the world - they were seasoned and gallant travellers), and finally Fancy rat which displeases me the most in its lack of sophistication and conceit! As if you primates could tame us noble Rats, my friends who own human pets laugh at their good fortune to be eating fine culinary delights off the plates of their men or women servants! Although I must admit, the love of Rats in humans is a desirable trait and demands some respect from my associates and myself.

One of the worst miscarriages of justice inflicted on us Rats is the presumption that we carried and spread the Bubonic plague (or the Black Death) during the middle ages. This is nothing less than a despicable piece of propaganda used by humans to alienate us from society. As we Rattus norvegicus Rats improved and enriched Europe with our presence after 1700 we could not be accountable for the plague. It was our poor suffering (and sadly inferior) cousins rattus rattus or Black rats as you call them that had the misfortune of being cursed by pesky fleas which sickingly fed off them and other poor unfortunate mammals and infected them all with the disease. The real cause of the plague was the insiduous and unhygienic living conditions which you humans managed to create through the policy of minimal or no sanitation, ignorance, and poor management.

The next atrocity unleashed on Rats by humans was the sinister, brutal game you liked to play during the 19th century right up until 1912 called “Rat Baiting“. I will disclose the horrors of this subject in my next post.